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JOKES

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1

A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!

2

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

3

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.

4

What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

5

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

6

I started a band called 999 Megabytes: we have not gotten a gig yet.

7

My resume is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.

8

What do you call two fat people having a chat? -- A heavy discussion.

9

Why can not a bike stand on its own? It is two tired.

10

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony was not much, but the reception was excellent!

11

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.

12

A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

13

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.

14

What do marriage and a tornado have in common? In the beginning there is a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end someone loses a house.

15

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

16

My girlfriend called me a pedophile; that is a big word for a nine year old.

17

The tenderest love is between two homosexual men with hemorrhoids.

18

The reason we nod off to sleep is so it looks like we are just emphatically agreeing with everything when were in a boring meeting.

19

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

20

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let us go play on our bikes.

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testing.. testing..testing..testing..testing..testing..testing..testing..testing..testing..testing..testing..testing..testing..testing..testing..

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2

eturn: he listed himself as the head of the household!

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